If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
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JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification