DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
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*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
he’s doing your taxes
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change