Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
You Might Also Like
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
i hate you platonically
The Assassin.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…