Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
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[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda