LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
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DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
I’m sorry…what?
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China