ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
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Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Love thy neighbor’s dog
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
For the baby who has everything
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]