Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
my mom making me talk to relatives
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.