Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
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I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner