I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
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Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
welp
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
The Weeknd is back
Hard not to take this personally
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.