Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
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OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Mhm.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Social Media and Real life
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Moms. The original autocorrect.