[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
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{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
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I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
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What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.