The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
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Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.