coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
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[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Plant care tips
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.