Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
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Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police