in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
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Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath