Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
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*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
me opening up to someone
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
How funny!
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style