I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
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two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
This checks out
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?