It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
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I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.