Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
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Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715