who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
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It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”