[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
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Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂