Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
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HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!