Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
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Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears