Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
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Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.