I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
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Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon