having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
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The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Me checking my bank balance online.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds