My time has come.
You Might Also Like
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.