Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
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Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
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