My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
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Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
How animals would run if they were human
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
just gave your address to some spiders
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.