Personal question. #JustSaying
You Might Also Like
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.