“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
You Might Also Like
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.