“and how does that make you feel?”
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“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now