i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
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6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Flock of bats
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing