A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
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[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
thanksgiving in nutshell
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.