[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
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You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.