Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
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Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
me when i see my girls butt
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
50 shades of grey = my Liver
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Donkey Kong sommelier
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.