Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
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mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
rise and shine we got egg
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow