me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
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I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
The 6 types of sex
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder