The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
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Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?