If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
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“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.