7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
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i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
I found your tweet-up…
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)