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‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
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Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.