First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
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Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
he looks great for his age
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.