“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
You Might Also Like
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.