[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
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I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
I’m not proud
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.