me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
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Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
unbelievably distressed by this ad
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.