I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
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Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
I’m so full I could puke a horse
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.