Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
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The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Pretty much. 🤣
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.