My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
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Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
LMAO
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.