Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
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I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out